Friday, August 13, 2010


Scene 1:

Wife: I am ready; let’s go to the Sushi restaurant.

Husband: I have had a busy day and I am tired completely. Make something to eat.

Wife: You are always tired when you have to take me out. I am not going to make food tonight, sleep hungry!

Scene 2:

Girl: Daddy I am to my friend's birthday bash, gonna be back late night.

Dad: No late night parties! For God's sake change that dress which keeps shortening every time.

Girl: Dad, it’s supposed to be cool ok. Can you ever try to understand what I want??

Scene 3:

Brother: I told you not to touch my stuff! Take this [Phat, Bang...A loud cry]

Sister: You nasty creature, wait till I tell dad and he gives you a sound trashing. I am going to check all your things, wait till you go to college tomorrow.

Brother: You, You...I am going to lock my room and if you dare try to open, be ready for more.

Scene 4:

Boss: You still have not completed the report that I asked you to finish, why do you come to office? You think it is a joke to show your face here without completing your assigned task?

Employee: Sorry Sir, I was busy with the other report, will complete this ASAP.
[In his mind- *%#@, loads of work and on top of it his rudeness. I am just waiting for an offer letter from the ABC Company]

Boss: Next time, you better watch out.

Post Scene - Anger, humiliation, bitterness and stress!
How many of us can relate to one of the scenes that I have mentioned above? I am sure a majority of them could relate to one or more for sure. Conflict! Conflict! Conflict! They are hurtful, emotionally charged and can be depressing in extreme cases. They feel bigger, scarier and threatening than other issues because in addition to addressing the differences they carry an element of real or implied danger.

We all know that we cannot avoid conflicts in our life. They are normal and very much part of relationships. So since they are inevitable it becomes very crucial to deal with them in a healthy way. If mismanaged they can spiral into unhealthy emotions that can damage even best of relationships. Life can throw at us situations when we expect it least, lacking skills to cope with them can leave one emotionally drained for a long time.

Conflicts arise when there is difference of opinion over desires, values, advices, perceptions, motivations and ideas. One thing I learned from my personal experience is that sometimes conflicts look trivial on the face of it but when they trigger strong feelings, a deep personal need is at the core of the problem.
- Need to feel safe and secure
- Need to feel respected and valued
- Need for greater closeness and intimacy
If these needs are ignored, they cause stress and can turn up unexpectedly at inappropriate times and in connection with other issues. Phew!

So there must be a way how we could resolve this never ending issue of our lives. After a good amount of research, I have come up with easy steps to practice in our practical life. Conflicts when actually ended with mutual respect and satisfactory resolution, stimulates brain growth and fosters safety and trust.

Here are few important steps to keep in mind to diffuse a conflict that can possibly grow bigger and bigger means more damage!!

1. Management of stress- Learn always to be calm and alert when faced with such situation. For short tempered people this is a huge task. Try to control your emotions that flood your mind. The more important the relationship is the more emotions we experience. Always try to communicate in a non threatening and comforting manner. Be gentle and kind in your words. Trust me you will see magic.

2. Hear others- Listen to what the other person is trying to convey and by having a control over yourself you can make that person hear you. Look behind the words and notice the facial expressions and the gestures that are taking place. You will find lot more details that you would have normally skipped in your anger.

3. Stay focused in the present- Times change and so do people with the way they feel, think and act. Digging skeletons will also dig your own grave.

4. Forgive- Easy to say but difficult to practice. But it is one of most beautiful quality a human being can have for strong relationships. You will always benefit and never lose out of this act.

5. End conflicts that can’t be resolved- Painful upset is a part of life. Two people can’t possibly retain the same needs, opinions and expectations. It takes two to keep the argument going and every story has more than one side. Seeking the other person’s perspective can allow you to disengage and avoid becoming emotionally drained when there is no obvious solution to your conflicts.

I hope you can benefit from this topic, wish you very best when you are faced with conflicts. Remember that by avoiding disrespectful words and hurtful communication we allow people to reunite faster and help mutual trust to flourish. Choose your arguments carefully, some of them are not worth your energy and time!

Till next time, keep smiling:)